Just when I thought all my kitty problems were gone…I got another knock on my door…with more cat shenanigans.
Guess who? Yep!!
That Crazy Fucking Cat Lady and her subordinate husband.
Knock, Knock…Guess WHO?! MEOW!
My first thought, Crazy Cat Lady, must have gotten my CAT-VICTIM package. She is coming over to say thank -you, how sweet. Hopefully she left the cat hair at home this time.
I open the door…
“Hi there, just wanted to come by and thank you for the gift. I thought it was really sweet and kitty loves the toys you gave her! Look, Look at this picture of her playing with the cat-nip Squirrel!!
O, and by the way… buying an invisible fence…you didn’t have to do that!! That was above and beyond”
Thank God kitty likes the toys-Crazy Cat Lady taking that picture made her day and will smooth this whole thing over. Phew, looks like we are clear of this one!
“No problem, it was the least we could do! How’s miss kitty doing anyway?”
She started to tear up which made me want to laugh. Partly because her face wrinkles up like Claire Dane’s in Homeland when she cries.
My Cat! My Cat…BOO HOO BOO HOO
“She is good-we actually brought her to the vet. She got an X-Ray and a full emergency exam. Vet sees nothing wrong. The thing that really killed me...is when the vet found the teeth marks. She said it was definitely from a dog, so even though we didn’t see your dog attack, it was most likely him.”
Wait a fucking second…there were no witnesses to this?! I have spent all day watching my dogs get shocked by their new invisible fence because you THINK my dog was guilty?! I started to get angry and wanted her to finish up tear-fest 2013 so she would leave my porch.
“Well, like I said, we feel really bad and the fence will make sure this never happens again. Thanks for stopping by!”
Her husband’s voice shakes as he says, “Um, well we actually wanted to talk to you about the vet bill”
I spin around and my inner voice speaks loud…THESE PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME
“We know your an animal lover and all. We know you would understand this whole situation. We feel it’s fair to split the bill with us and half the bill would be $315.00″
They just showed up tonight to ask for money…Bitches. And what kind of vet did they take this cat to?! Did they fly in a cat-dog attack specialist for the vet exam?
“Ok….” I was at a lost for words. My inner voice kicks in again…Just be honest about this.
“Sure we will definitely pay for half of the bill…”
Ah, shit it’s happening. My inability to be confrontational face to face with people older than me. Stop being such a pussy, just tell the lady to take that bill and the cat hair and shove it up her ass.
“…I think it’s totally appropriate we help to pay the bill as well…”
Are you kidding me? Stop right now, tell her shes a greedy ass that is taking advantage of a young couple.
“…You were so right to come over and ask us to help on this, it’s the right thing to do…I’ll drop the check off in your mailbox. Have a great night, glad we could move past this!”
UGH, your so hopeless, I give up, come talk to me again when you grow some balls
Sometimes you just gotta listen
I walk inside, ashamed of my cowardliness and spot Levi, looking right at me.
“You know Levi, if you finished the job-we wouldn’t be paying a vet bill right now…better work on those skills in case that cat decides to come within your invisible fence barrier”
So here I am, writing yet another letter along with a very, expensive check.
Dear Kerri (Yes, I found out her stupid name and it ends with an I. I don’t trust people who names end in I)
Again, I’m glad your cat is OK (But now not really).
In this envelope is the check for $315 (Half of the extremely expensive medical bill for your bald cat, which I hope by the way, stays bald) Hope we can move past this (we wont, I think you people are a waste of space and I will never lend you any cups of sugar or eggs…fuck you)
Sincerely,
Your neighbors (who now hate your guts and hope your cat gets eaten by a wild animal or drowns in the Holy Lake)
Invisible Fences Make PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE neighbors
