Typically Life Situation for That Girl Ryan…
When I signed those mortgage papers on my first home this year, I was ecstatic! Goodbye annoying apartment renters, goodbye lazy landlords and HELLO freedom!
Freedom of doing what I want because I’m a mother fucking home owner and don’t have to listen to anymore apartment management bullshit rules. (Can you tell I have resentment?)
Our House
Boy Ryan and I have always been THOSE neighbors, “the problem renters”
Just to clue you in, here are some rules we have violated;
Noise violation (after 11pm on a Saturday night)
Failure to weed our outdoor patio (never knew this existed)
Failure to pick up after our dog (who by the way shits at least 4 times a day. Its impossible to keep up)
This is the actual Weeding Patio violation
Ok, Ok, so we haven’t been the best renters, but I thought our renter problems would disappear after buying a home…but they don’t. You still have to put up with these people called neighbors; and neighbors tend not to relocate after a year of residence…they last a lot longer.
We moved into a lake community, let’s re-phrase…a “clicky” lake community. To join this lake in our neighborhood it’s a $1000/year. In my opinion, paying $1000 to swim in a dirty lake for 3 months out of the year is a bit expensive…call me crazy but I just wasn’t feeling it. However, what I failed to recognize is that ALL the neighbors in our community are part of the lake and get offended when you don’t join.
So when we didn’t join, I got the vibe that we were being shunned. Whatever, Shun the non-believer, it doesn’t bother me. Plus we invested in a baby pool this summer so that Addison wouldn’t feel under privileged. We actually have her convinced that the baby pool with clean water is much better than a lake with dirty water.
The Holy Lake
Here’s us, minding our own business…mowing our lawn, taking out our trash, waving to each neighbor like were riding on a god-damn parade float every morning… illustrating positive neighborly behavior.
And just when we started to think that we REALLY are good neighbors, LEVI, our newest family addition, decided to become a serial cat killer.
Adopting Levi was way too easy. He loves to cuddle, allows Addison to dress him up like a doll and listens! Yes, he listens really well! I thought it was a little too perfect from the beginning…There’s gotta be something wrong with him.
I found out this flaw the hard way as he shredded into a squirrel and attempted to Gator-Spin my parent’s cat, twice. And there it was…his flaw…he is not a cat enthusiast.
Such a Doll
So long story short, Levi escapes one day without me noticing (probably taking direction from Joba, who is very capable of escaping on purpose) and attacks the neighbor’s furry friend. This entire escape was unbeknownst to me until a few hours later when I heard a knock at my door. I look and find my neighbors from across the street standing there.
O, how nice, they came to introduce themselves and bring muffins! What sweethearts.…I opened the door.
The woman is in tears, shaking and clutching clumps of what I realized was fur. Her husband stood next to her, red in the face, clearly embarrassed by his sobbing wife…
“Your dog, attacked my cat! Look!” She pulled both hands up near my face to show me the cat fur. “YOUR dog pulled clumps of fur from her and drew blood! She won’t even come out from under the couch and is limping!”
I glanced at Levi who was happily wagging his tail, excited to greet the new guests standing at the door.
“O um, wow I’m so sorry, is the cat ok?”
“NO! look at all this fur!”
I’m still a little perplexed as to why she brought the fur over with her to my house. Did she think I wouldn’t believe that fur has been lost in this cat-dog exchange. Plus, it was a bit rude because I had just mopped my floor and some of the cat hair strands flew into the house.
“Yes, I’m so sorry, ill pay for the bill if the cat has to go to vet. It won’t ever happen again”
“No it Won’t!” she threatened and stormed off with her husband in tow.
Dog Shame
And here we go…we have done it again! As I shut the door, I pondered…how the hell do I make this better?
Solution #1: buy an invisible fence. Good fences make Good neighbors
Solution #2: join the god-damn lake so none of the other neighbors will talk shit about us. $1000 might be worth saving our reputation as the cat killing neighbors
Solution #3: send an apology to “cat lady victim #3”
But what do I send? Wine? Wine always helps everything…but what if shes a recovering alcoholic? That could make it worse…cookies? Shit I don’t have that kind of time. I could just buy them, but that looks insincere…”Here’s some cookies from ShopRite for your cat troubles”.
No, that won’t work…but you know what will? A “CAT-VICTIM-PACKAGE”! Perfect, a peace offering for the cat lady and her bald cat.
Lets see…i’ll get some cat-nip and treats…scoop up some extra dog hair from Joba to replace the lost hair from the scuffle…throw in a few kitty-self defensive classes and top it off with dog-repellant. That should really smooth this whole hair ball over.
I gathered all the necessary items and opened the blank card to scribe a personal note.
Dear…..Shit, I don’t know my neighbor’s names!
“We are so sorry about your cat, can’t tell you how awful we feel about this whole situation. We wanted to give your cat some treats as an apology from Levi (who definitely is not sorry)
We went ahead and purchased an invisible fence to ensure this will never happen again (for the safety of your cat, we will now punish our dogs with shock collars-Your Welcome).
We wish for a fast recovery and hope your cat can feel safe in her driveway (although she is an outside cat meaning anything could eat her, but at least it won’t be our dog) Please let us know if there is anything else we can do (unless of course the cat died over night).”
-Ryan and Ryan
Your caring, loving neighbors (please don’t hate us)
I dropped it off on the doorstep during the day so I could avoid any awkward conversation..I wouldn’t even know what to say
So here we are, good neighbors mending fences by putting up invisible barriers.
We will continue to wave our hellos and flash our pearly white smiles but it will never be the same as it was before the cat incident. They will always be the crazy cat neighbors to us and we will always be the crazy cat killers to them.
Yes, this is the bliss of home-ownership.
Daily Post Prompt…Four Stars: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/
