It’s January, Happy Fucking New Year people. You know what January means to me?
My two fulfilled weeks of New Years Resolutions-NO
Tax refund time?-NO, but that is a wonderful thought.
My daughter’s birthday-NO, A close second for sure though.
Nearing the end of football season? Yes, thank fucking god, yes.
I didn’t mind football in the beginning before I met my husband. I even dabbled in it a few times (bought some pink jerseys, thoroughly enjoyed pre-game tailgate events and participated in discussions about which NFL players had a better looking ass in their spandex.
Now that’s what I am talking about!
Now, I hate it, it has ruined my life. Why you ask? Because I married a NFL-A-Holic.
So for me, January marks the end of football season. It means my husband is finally right around the bend to living a sober, healthy spring and summer. It also means I can finally start to hang pictures up in my new house, have my lawn mowed AND drag my husband along to dreaded weekend errands like grocery shopping. Ahhh the thought brings a tear to my eye.
When I first met my husband, I thought I could change this little habit. Don’t get me wrong, we have made some great progress. I have successfully eliminated the tantrums, one of which ended in a beer being thrown into a wall. I have also ended the excessive crying at the end of each loss, but people, I am no where near the point of ending the addiction entirely. Good thing for me, I am also not alone. There are millions of lonely girls out there who live with these kinds of addicts. To us, “Sunday-Funday” does not exist. Our Sundays are more like “Aw, fuck it’s Sunday”.
For those of you reading this blog wondering, “Could my significant other be a NFL-A-Holic, continue to read, we will find out together.
If you are a NFL-A-Holic, stop reading and get some goddamn help. For Christ sake you people need some serious medication.
Let’s explore the phases of a NFL-A-Holic…
Preseason (gateway behaviors)
The Real Fantasy
Ah, preseason. Perhaps one of the most crucial points in stopping a NFL-AHolic. These preseason behaviors start early in June/July with…I can’t even write it….
THE FANTASY FOOTBALL EXCEL SPREADSHEET.
The spreadsheet is a complied, complicated list of NFL players your addict will be drafting for his fantasy football team.
Ask yourselves these questions:
1. Does he spend hours watching NFL preseason highlights?
2. Would he rather watch men in tights 3x days a week than you in tights?
3. Does he have “Spreadsheet Orgies” with his friends? (discusses his picks for hours)
Yes?! Read on…
Be prepared. The fantasy draft excel spreadsheet will become the mistress in your relationship. In my life, my husband is always with the spreadsheet, rushing home to see it, edit it…to get his fix. If he goes more than 3 days without opening it on the computer, he sweats, gets shakes and becomes intolerable.
During this time, I usually say things to press his buttons:
Me: (sexy voice) Hun, would you mind taking a look at MY spreadsheet? I might be your MVP! (wink, wink)
Him: (doesn’t look up from the computer) Sure, when I am done, ill take a look.
Me: (Now in a very angry voice) You know what, you don’t need that stupid spreadsheet. I’ll just tell you what happens this season. Let’s see…You will loose your fantasy league, which is a total waste of money AND The Redskins will not win, disappointment just like every year….(PAUSE)….AND……RG3 Sucks!
Him: UHHHHH, How could you say such a terrible thing like that? I thought we were in this together…Hail To The Redskins…Remember?
Then comes…THE ACTUAL DRAFT (usually 1-2 months after spreadsheets are finalized). The draft IS a binge to an addict.
NO, NOT THE DRAFT. ANYTHING BUT THE DRAFT!
Take it from me, the actual draft is one of the worst experiences I have ever witnessed.
One time, I decided to sit with him during a draft to fully comprehend the addiction, you know, like try it out and see what all the fuss is about, but honestly, I’d rather give birth to an 80lb baby without medication than to ever do that again!
Call me mama, kid. I’m never sitting through another draft again.
Let me just give you a visual; the draft takes 3-4 hours in total. Each person tells the other which overpaid athlete they want on there team. Easy right? No, these idiots change there minds 50 times and take forever to make a god damn pick like their entire existence depended on. The only thing I thought was, “Seriously? After all the hours you spent with that damn excel spreadsheet why wouldn’t you have some type of “Plan B”.
And then the personality changes begin… You know how men claim they don’t like talking on the phone…WRONG. The addiction turns them into little gossiping housewives.
I received this text from my cousin just last night…”Ryan, John was on his phone for three hours discussing NFL. Some stuff about Brady’s numbers? and Peyton throwing across his body?- I dunno weird stuff-but anyway, the phone conversation ended, not because he was finished talking but because his phone died”. I told her this was getting serious.
There is not one motor mouth girl, I know that could have that kind of stamina. I’m telling you, NFL changes the addict’s normal personality structure.
Regular Season (Full Fledged Addiction)
Regular season, the worst. This is full-on addiction at its finest. Nothing gets done, the entire day is planned AROUND 1pm, 4pm or 8pm. Then they start making excuses, like, “I gotta run to the bathroom” or “I gotta go get my wallet from my car” But now I know what he is really doing. I followed him one day and he was secretly logging on to YahooFantasy Sports and “Shooting up” -also known as, “Changing His Picks”.
Eventually it gets so bad that my addict doesn’t even get dressed on Sundays. Iv’e taken picture evidence for you all to see…
9am on Sunday…
And…8pm that night
Sundays are filled with lots of cursing, yelling and of course tantrums. The tantrums are worse than my 2 years old, I finally know where she gets it from. I am a bit nervous as well because I am starting to believe that this behavior is making a lasting impression. Do you know any 2 year olds that have NEVER heard of Cinderella but can tell you RG3’s best vertical jump?
Monkey See…Monkey Do
ABC, CBS and Fox- YOU are all homewreckers!
I don’t even have a decent sex life in-season.
No, I don’t keep any kind of sex calendar, my dog documents that for me.
Quick side explanation….
You see about two years back, my addict received a Redskins blanket (like the man needs any reminders of his habit) and it slowly became Joba’s (my dog) blanket. In Joba’s mind, him and I are in a relationship (See: I am a cheater). To him, I am his girlfriend who is unhappily married to “Master” (Boy Ryan). Everytime Boy Ryan and I have sex, Joba chews on his blanket. I assume he thinks Boy Ryan is violating me and because Joba feels he is helpless against Master and can’t come to my rescue. So, he chews and takes out his frustrations on his blanket. Thus, creating the nickname, Joba’s Sex Blanket.
HOLEY-MOLEY
You see that hole in the top right? Yea, summer of 2012., aka Summer of Love.
The blanket is now missing a few months of holes, because from Sept-Jan, I am pretty much celibate (unless the Redskins get a great win, but we all know that’s a rare occurrence). In-Season, our nights are filled with Pre-game highlights and post-game reviews and I sit, waiting patiently, while my Sex drive screams, “NO! PLEASE NOT ANOTHER NIGHT OF FOOTBALL.”
How I can’t wait until February 4th; I am truly looking forward to having Joba continue his nibbling rituals. I have no doubt that the return of my sex life will be well documented-thanks to Joba.
Post Season (Postpartum)
Post season for a NFL-a-holic is like postpartum for a new mother. These are the happiest times for me, but devastating for the addict. It’s a time for self reflect, especially if his fantasy team didn’t make the top three. Sometimes there is a remorseful period. He starts to apologize for his lude comments and outbursts while taking NFL. It can get very emotional in our house, but remains quiet, peaceful and productive. The withdrawal symptoms can be devastating and at times- scary. Sometimes, I notice a heightened interest in the NBA Fantasy Teams, but it usually doesn’t last long. It’s usually just turns out to be a temporary void that needs to be filled after Football Season is over. Phewww…
I have my sweetheart back but it never last long because he always re-lapses in June. The relapse is inevitable. It’s about as reliable as an obese person going through the drive thru at McDonald’s; you just know it’s bound to happen.
Being with an NFL addict is not an easy thing, but remember that Post season is right around the corner. WE are Almost There! Hang on to any braincells you still have left!
So with that, January, I welcome you with open arms and February 4th, you can’t get here soon enough.
And Finally, my parting words to the NFL…
All I have to say to you is: GFY, HTTR (Go Fuck yourself “Hail To The Redskins”)
On a Positive Note…
