My kid told me she was taking me to court.
According to her, I was guilty of taking too many “Mommy shortcuts” and it was time to bring me to justice once and for all. She was nice enough to offer me a plea deal in exchange for lesser jail time. Her deal was simple, if I would give her 3 candy bars a night for the rest of her life, she would drop all the charges held against me and destroy the evidence. If I didn’t take the deal, I would be looking at some serious jail time…Jail time in Mommy Shaming prison.
I refused her deal, I might take shortcuts here and there but I’d be dammed if she was going to turn into a little fat kid! So, I told her I would take my chances in court.
The next day we found ourselves in the courthouse where she made her case. Below are the court transcripts from the actual trial…
Please rise for the honorable Judge, “Queen Addison“.
Guilty or Not Guilty
Today we are here to decide on a ruling for case #34656, Addison Vs That Girl Ryan. You will hear Ms. Addison layout her case as to why her mother should be found guilty of cutting corners in motherhood. We know that all parties are innocent until proven guilty. However if the opposing party should be found guilty, the defendant will be sentenced to a full term in mommy shamming prison, aka a full hour of playing barbies and making friendship bracelets.
Ms. Addison, please present your case.
Addison took the stand and presented the evidence…
1. My Mom calls this shit, dinner.
2. This is considered educational so I spend a lot of time watching it.
3. She claims she is tired when she wants Daddy to make dinner. That’s just plain #LAZY.
4. I’m only allowed to drink water. She says juice is for sick kids.
I don’t believe that.
5. She hates cleaning.
6. She throws away my artwork because it “clutters” the house.
7. Her other “kids” can sleep in her bed…
I am not allowed.
8. I am the photographer for her blog postings…
and I don’t even get paid for it.
9. This is my favorite picture…
My mom says I can’t hang it up because it creeps her out.
10. These do not fit me…
but I wear them anyway.
11. According to my mom, taking a good selfie is a life skill…
I have mastered it.
12. She hides from our neighbors…
and makes me hide with her.
13. Baths only happen once a week…
and so does brushing my hair.
14. She usually never has enough food in the house…
but always enough beer.
After she presented her case, the judge made her final decision….
That Girl Ryan you have been found GUILTY.
I was immediately taken into custody and went to Mommy Shaming Prison where I played Barbies and made friendship bracelets for a full hour.
It. Was. Hell.
