The award for the NFL’s biggest cry baby goes to…
My husband, That Boy Ryan.
Just for the record, I respect other people’s passion for important things like world peace and feeding the homeless but given my thoughts on American football, I happen to find this particular obsession just down right hilarious.
In my many past-posts about Boy Ryan I have highlighted the fact that he is a die-hard football fan who is very shy and quiet. When he has something to say, it’s rare. However, last night, during the biggest football game of the year, Boy Ryan had quite a bit to say. Nobody else gets to see this side of Boy Ryan which is why many people think I am a liar when I tell them this man has football tantrums. So this year, instead of focusing on commercials and spectacular football plays (which I heard was nothing great anyway) I decided to record the comments Boy Ryan made during the Superbowl…quote by quote. Please note, the comments get progressively worse as the Bronco’s continued to get an ass whooping.
Scenario 1: NFL announcers discussing past Superbowl records…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: These NFL announcers make records out of everything…guy rushes 40 yards in the first quarter, it’s a Superbowl record. I swear, next they are going to be like, “Peyton Manning just farted on the 30 yard line during the 1st quarter. America, that’s a Superbowl record!“.
Scenario 2: Bronco’s make a defensive play…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: Nice Penetration! Did you see that penetration, babe? Wow, these guys really know how to penetrate.
*I have never once heard my husband use the word penetration…not even in the bedroom.
Scenario 3: Thoughts on Russell Wilson’s ethnicity…
Compared to the man in the back, I see his point.
Boy Ryan’s Comment: What is Wilson? He looks Indian but they say he’s half black…of course he says he is half black because why else would you draft a half-Indian? At least being half-black makes you halfway decent at playing football.
Scenario 4: Thoughts on Pete Carroll (Seahawks coach)…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: Pete Carroll is such a cock, actually he is a grey-haired, old ugly cock.
Scenario 5: Joe Buck makes a comment about a Seahawks play…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: Are you kidding Joe Buck? Hey Joe, have you ever been to a real NFL game or do you just sit in your office and jerk off to indoor arena football all day?
Scenario 6: I make a comment about my excitement for the half-time show…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: See that is problem with “football fans”, they all just watch the Superbowl for the half-time show. You people aren’t real fans, it’s a disgrace what this country is turning into. If they aired {American} football in Canada, I’d move tomorrow.
Scenario 7: I make comment about the Redskin’s terrible record this season…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: Why do you always have to talk about the Redskins like that? You have a short memory, last year they were really good. How can you be so hateful to them. Did you know that in 1997….(insert fact about Redskin’s record here)
Scenario 8: Response to Addison’s prediction that the Seahawks will win the Superbowl (She liked the Seahawk’s colors better than the Bronco’s)
If you want to speak such profanities in this house, you are going straight to bed little lady. I have had enough of your fresh mouth. While you’re at it, take off the Redskins jersey and put on your Giants jersey. I will not tolerate any remarks like that from a fellow Redskin fan while wearing the jersey.
Scenario 9: Boy Ryan’s comments throughout half-time:
- Burno Mars is like 5 ft tall. He looks like a woman.
- What is with his hair?
- Why is this guy’s music even popular? It sounds like a per-pubescent boy singing.
- Let me know when this shit is off the T.V. screen.
- The Red Hot Chili Peppers look old as shit and got really fat.
- Addison, let’s brush your hair so I don’t have to watch this crap on TV right now.
At least he brushed her hair
Scenario 10: Boy Ryan watching me write down all of his comments during the Superbowl…
Boy Ryan’s Comment: Stop writing what I am saying…this better not be going in your blog. Seriously Ryan, this is not funny.
And last, That Boy Ryan’s post-game remarks…
Well, that sucked. The Seahawks basically won the Superbowl based on a bunch of fluke plays. Now Russell Wilson will tell all the reporters that god helped him win and Malcolm Smith, who I have never heard of, will win MVP. Seahawks didn’t deserve to win, they all suck like their cock of a coach. Can’t wait till I see all the annoying bandwagon fans who are going to buy Seahawk jerseys now so they can act like they actually enjoy football. Lame. Totally lame game. Lame commercials. Lame season.
(shuts TV off and rolls over on his side. Light sniffling is heard throughout the night.)
Such a crybaby
Things I have learned about my husband; he is a very sore-loser and might love football more than he does himself. However as for me, I couldn’t be happier that the NFL season has come to a close…finally my life can get back to normal without having to comfort NFL’s biggest baby.
