So far this summer has been productive for me…I went on a few vacations… got a new job…drank more alcohol than Don Draper…
AND
came out of the closet.
Here I Come World
Hello world, I am That Girl Ryan and I’m a Closet Smoker.
Phew, that felt great, my therapist would be so proud right now.
I never identified myself as a smoker for obvious reasons. Smokers get treated like lepers by the general population. They give judging looks of disgust and obnoxiously cough. It got to be so annoying that I felt like putting out my cigarette butts in their eyes.
But the worse by far are the ex-smokers. These people feel obligated to walk up to you and inform you on all the harmful effects of smoking…
Ex-smoker: “You know, smoking is so bad for you. Your going to get wrinkles, bad breath and CANCER!”
Me: “Oh. My. god. Your kidding? I can get cancer from smoking? Smoking is bad for you? I have to stop right this minute, thanks for letting me know.”
Don’t we wish it was that easy…but let me just state for the record to ALL non-smoking idiots…
1. smokers are aware smoking is bad for your health.
2. If you are a human that uses a microwave, plastic bags, breaths air, talks on a cell phone or eats meat…you also have a high possibility of getting cancer.
So while we appreciate your thoughts, chances are your going to die just as soon as we are. Get it? Good, now get over yourself.
Anyways, I started to notice I had an addiction when I tried to convince myself I didn’t have an addiction. One day, I made a mental list of the circumstances in which I felt it was necessary to have a cigarette.
Like…
· When drinking alcohol
· When others are smoking
· While driving
· When I’m angry
· When my fellow closet smokers don’t want to smoke alone
· When I’m really excited
· After work
· When I have a decision to make
· After watching a full season of Mad Men
· When I’m bored
Clearly, I have limitations…Right?
Well according to society, these limitations would deem me an addicted smoker. And once your “addicted” its socially expected that you must quit.
(Actually, I’m finding most pleasurable habits such as drinking, eating and using profanity are deemed “must-quit activities”. Welcome to life, it sucks)
Being a good, socially abiding citizen, I did what was expected of me and quit…kind of.
I first tried to limit myself to only having a cigarette when I drank alcohol, but I soon realized that being drunk by 6pm everyday was turning into another “must quit” activity.
Then I tried to only smoke when I got home from work and that turned into a chain smoking fiasco between the hours of 6pm-10pm.
So I turned to my last resort…The Electronic Ciggerate.
Honestly, the E-Cigg has been fucking fantastic. I don’t have to hide it, it doesn’t smell, I can smoke anywhere AND the E-cig smoke is water vapor…so I hydrate while smoking. Hollar!
But my friends, There are other benefits to this electronic stick that are worth noting…
It’s a great Hair Accessory. E-Ciggs are bringing back the “Chinese Hair Chopsticks look”
Who needs a rape whistle when you can walk through the streets like Wolverine?
Need a Q-tip? Pshhh, not with E-Cigs
What happens if you walk into a party and found out it’s BYOM (bring your own mustache). Now, your always prepared.
Extra flashlights are always a must…especially if an unexpected Apocalypse hits
It makes you look smart when you think.
Your furry friends won’t get any second hand smoke!
Never have to buy those stupid, breakable drink stirrers ever again
It’s safe to stick up your nose.
Exercise while you smoke to avoid carpel tunnel
And Lastly…when your yelling at someone, make sure they know you MEAN it with an E-Cig/Accusatory Stick.
So take it from me, the closet smoker who turned cigarette quitter…It’s worth putting away the Marlboro’s.
And if I haven’t given you enough reasons to quit smoking, than I’d like to leave you with my ex-smoker words of advice…
YOUR GOING TO DIE FROM CANCER.
